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That awkward space between reality and reality television.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Setting: Vince McMahon's office at Titan Towers in Stamford, CT
The camera peers over the shoulder of Mick Foley as Mr. McMahon leans over his desk talking firmly to his schizophrenic comrade.
"You listen and you listen good, Foley," McMahon warns as he points his finger at the overweight, ragged-looking, former champion. "I don't know what that fool, Dibiase, thinks he is pulling hiring Dude Love as his manager, but I...Vince McMahon...control 3/4 of your personalities. That makes me majority stockholder, and if you so much as sniff a tye-dye t-shirt between now and the Insane Asylum match with 'The Million Dollar Machine" you will be banned from WWE for life!"
Cut to Brian "the Best" Sellers backstage conversing with a large man in a trenchcoat who's long-haired figure is barely visible to the audience. Andre the Giant and George "The Animal" Steele stand to either side of the Possum creating what would be an intimidating site if it wasn't for the fact that Sellers looks like the late Joe C. compared to the behemoths serving as his bodyguards.
"So do we have a deal," Possum asks followed by a slow nod from the stranger in the shadows. "Good," replies Sellers, "William 'Achy Breaky' Hart is going to rue the day that he brought that lying, cheating, self-absorbed, disgrace to baseball into this battle."
The camera peers over the shoulder of Mick Foley as Mr. McMahon leans over his desk talking firmly to his schizophrenic comrade.
"You listen and you listen good, Foley," McMahon warns as he points his finger at the overweight, ragged-looking, former champion. "I don't know what that fool, Dibiase, thinks he is pulling hiring Dude Love as his manager, but I...Vince McMahon...control 3/4 of your personalities. That makes me majority stockholder, and if you so much as sniff a tye-dye t-shirt between now and the Insane Asylum match with 'The Million Dollar Machine" you will be banned from WWE for life!"
Cut to Brian "the Best" Sellers backstage conversing with a large man in a trenchcoat who's long-haired figure is barely visible to the audience. Andre the Giant and George "The Animal" Steele stand to either side of the Possum creating what would be an intimidating site if it wasn't for the fact that Sellers looks like the late Joe C. compared to the behemoths serving as his bodyguards.
"So do we have a deal," Possum asks followed by a slow nod from the stranger in the shadows. "Good," replies Sellers, "William 'Achy Breaky' Hart is going to rue the day that he brought that lying, cheating, self-absorbed, disgrace to baseball into this battle."
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
[Possum stands in the center of the ring, jaw dropped, eyes bulging as the announcement of Will "The Hitman" Hart's final pick rings out from the Titan Tron. Though his mic has been cut, one can easily read his lips as he screams, "No! No! He can't! He can't do that!"]
Round 5
A very courageous pick by my adversary, but one he may come to regret. By choosing Pete Rose in the 5th round "whart" has gotten personal. Charlie Hustle is no match for anyone on my team as far as wrestling goes even without the chicken suit, but that was not the intent. WPH knows how much I despise Pete Rose and is counting on this pick being a psychological blow to my team. A clever move, I admit, seeing as team "Corporate Meltdown" might seem to be teetering on the edge of out of control.
I had originally planned to conclude my draft with a wrestler that would pull everything together. I had planned to take a man that was respected by everyone in the business. I had planned to take a champion that unified the NWA and WWF belts and held those belts more times than anyone until Ric Flair came along. I was going to take Harley Race. I was going to take Harley Race, that is, until the San Diego chicken removed his big, yellow head.
One might argue that "The Million Dollar Machine" is already down one wrestler as the physical ability of Mr. Rose is somewhat suspect. Well, with my final pick, Mr. Hart, prepare to be down 4 wrestlers. I choose Mick Foley, Cactus Jack AND Mankind. That's right, I add three members to my team legally since they are all three alter-personas of one man.
One bold move requires a bold answer, so if I'm going to play the crazy angle, I've got to play it all the way. If everything goes as planned, "Corporate Meltdown" has the strength, durability and win at all costs desire that cannot be matched. On the other hand, it would not take much for us all to end up in the asylum. This is why I propose a "Straightjacket Match" for the next Pay-Per-View. The team that wins is the team that straps each member of the opposing team into a straightjacket and locks them into a big white van.
Alright Thrill, the teams are set. Do you accept the terms of the match?
Round 5
A very courageous pick by my adversary, but one he may come to regret. By choosing Pete Rose in the 5th round "whart" has gotten personal. Charlie Hustle is no match for anyone on my team as far as wrestling goes even without the chicken suit, but that was not the intent. WPH knows how much I despise Pete Rose and is counting on this pick being a psychological blow to my team. A clever move, I admit, seeing as team "Corporate Meltdown" might seem to be teetering on the edge of out of control.
I had originally planned to conclude my draft with a wrestler that would pull everything together. I had planned to take a man that was respected by everyone in the business. I had planned to take a champion that unified the NWA and WWF belts and held those belts more times than anyone until Ric Flair came along. I was going to take Harley Race. I was going to take Harley Race, that is, until the San Diego chicken removed his big, yellow head.
One might argue that "The Million Dollar Machine" is already down one wrestler as the physical ability of Mr. Rose is somewhat suspect. Well, with my final pick, Mr. Hart, prepare to be down 4 wrestlers. I choose Mick Foley, Cactus Jack AND Mankind. That's right, I add three members to my team legally since they are all three alter-personas of one man.
One bold move requires a bold answer, so if I'm going to play the crazy angle, I've got to play it all the way. If everything goes as planned, "Corporate Meltdown" has the strength, durability and win at all costs desire that cannot be matched. On the other hand, it would not take much for us all to end up in the asylum. This is why I propose a "Straightjacket Match" for the next Pay-Per-View. The team that wins is the team that straps each member of the opposing team into a straightjacket and locks them into a big white van.
Alright Thrill, the teams are set. Do you accept the terms of the match?
[Possum stands in the center of the ring, jaw dropped, eyes bulging as the announcement of Will "The Hitman" Hart's final pick rings out from the Titan Tron. Though his mic has been cut, one can easily read his lips as he screams, "No! No! He can't! He can't do that!"]
Round 5
A very courageous pick by my adversary, but one he may come to regret. By choosing Pete Rose in the 5th round "whart" has gotten personal. Charlie Hustle is no match for anyone on my team as far as wrestling goes even without the chicken suit, but that was not the intent. WPH knows how much I despise Pete Rose and is counting on this pick being a psychological blow to my team. A clever move, I admit, seeing as team "Corporate Meltdown" might seem to be teetering on the edge of out of control.
I had originally planned to conclude my draft with a wrestler that would pull everything together. I had planned to take a man that was respected by everyone in the business. I had planned to take a champion that unified the NWA and WWF belts and held those belts more times than anyone until Ric Flair came along. I was going to take Harley Race. I was going to take Harley Race, that is, until the San Diego chicken removed his big, yellow head.
One might argue that "The Million Dollar Machine" is already down one wrestler as the physical ability of Mr. Rose is somewhat suspect. Well, with my final pick, Mr. Hart, prepare to be down 4 wrestlers. I choose Mick Foley, Cactus Jack AND Mankind. That's right, I add three members to my team legally since they are all three alter-personas of one man.
One bold move requires a bold answer, so if I'm going to play the crazy angle, I've got to play it all the way. If everything goes as planned, "Corporate Meltdown" has the strength, durability and win at all costs desire that cannot be matched. On the other hand, it would not take much for us all to end up in the asylum. This is why I propose a "Straightjacket Match" for the next Pay-Per-View. The team that wins is the team that straps each member of the opposing team into a straightjacket and locks them into a big white van.
Alright Thrill, the teams are set. Do you accept the terms of the match?
Round 5
A very courageous pick by my adversary, but one he may come to regret. By choosing Pete Rose in the 5th round "whart" has gotten personal. Charlie Hustle is no match for anyone on my team as far as wrestling goes even without the chicken suit, but that was not the intent. WPH knows how much I despise Pete Rose and is counting on this pick being a psychological blow to my team. A clever move, I admit, seeing as team "Corporate Meltdown" might seem to be teetering on the edge of out of control.
I had originally planned to conclude my draft with a wrestler that would pull everything together. I had planned to take a man that was respected by everyone in the business. I had planned to take a champion that unified the NWA and WWF belts and held those belts more times than anyone until Ric Flair came along. I was going to take Harley Race. I was going to take Harley Race, that is, until the San Diego chicken removed his big, yellow head.
One might argue that "The Million Dollar Machine" is already down one wrestler as the physical ability of Mr. Rose is somewhat suspect. Well, with my final pick, Mr. Hart, prepare to be down 4 wrestlers. I choose Mick Foley, Cactus Jack AND Mankind. That's right, I add three members to my team legally since they are all three alter-personas of one man.
One bold move requires a bold answer, so if I'm going to play the crazy angle, I've got to play it all the way. If everything goes as planned, "Corporate Meltdown" has the strength, durability and win at all costs desire that cannot be matched. On the other hand, it would not take much for us all to end up in the asylum. This is why I propose a "Straightjacket Match" for the next Pay-Per-View. The team that wins is the team that straps each member of the opposing team into a straightjacket and locks them into a big white van.
Alright Thrill, the teams are set. Do you accept the terms of the match?
Rounds 3 and 4
For those of you keeping score at home, Prince William has added Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher with his 2nd and 3rd picks respectively, having already established "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase as his first selection. Taking the ultimate right hand man in Slaughter, he avoids the potential power struggle at the top, but I maintain that in this monumentous collision of good and evil that Mr. McMahon and The Nature Boy will find common ground.
Moving on to my own 3rd round pick, I am looking for braun over brains; a follower who can take care of the dirty work. The Iron Sheik would provide the perfect foil to Junior's "Real American Hero," but I'm afraid that something might get lost in the translation. I need someone who can take direction, and who better to take direction than one of the great actors of his time.
Not only was he the star of The Princess Bride, but at 7' 4" he provides ample physical power to make up for what could be lacking in my first two team members. That's right, I'm not afraid of bringing Goliath into this throw down. So with my third pick, I'll take Andre the Giant.
As for my fourth selection, my kneejerk reaction to The Butcher was to take "The Barber" as in Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Quickly, though, I realized this would be a wasted pick, and focused my attention to looking for a competitor that could go blow for blow with Abdullah with no concern for the inevitable bloodbath.
Some might argue that this wild man is impossible to control, but if anyone can put a leash on him, it would be my assembled team so far. While McMahon and Flair are gifted with silver tongues, he did his talking by chewing on turnbuckles and showing off his hairy back. Ok, Hitman, lets see you out-crazy George "The Animal" Steele.
Your move, Stoop.
For those of you keeping score at home, Prince William has added Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher with his 2nd and 3rd picks respectively, having already established "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase as his first selection. Taking the ultimate right hand man in Slaughter, he avoids the potential power struggle at the top, but I maintain that in this monumentous collision of good and evil that Mr. McMahon and The Nature Boy will find common ground.
Moving on to my own 3rd round pick, I am looking for braun over brains; a follower who can take care of the dirty work. The Iron Sheik would provide the perfect foil to Junior's "Real American Hero," but I'm afraid that something might get lost in the translation. I need someone who can take direction, and who better to take direction than one of the great actors of his time.
Not only was he the star of The Princess Bride, but at 7' 4" he provides ample physical power to make up for what could be lacking in my first two team members. That's right, I'm not afraid of bringing Goliath into this throw down. So with my third pick, I'll take Andre the Giant.
As for my fourth selection, my kneejerk reaction to The Butcher was to take "The Barber" as in Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Quickly, though, I realized this would be a wasted pick, and focused my attention to looking for a competitor that could go blow for blow with Abdullah with no concern for the inevitable bloodbath.
Some might argue that this wild man is impossible to control, but if anyone can put a leash on him, it would be my assembled team so far. While McMahon and Flair are gifted with silver tongues, he did his talking by chewing on turnbuckles and showing off his hairy back. Ok, Hitman, lets see you out-crazy George "The Animal" Steele.
Your move, Stoop.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
And we're off...The Thrill has made his somewhat unexpected, but nonetheless, worthy selection to kick off our Blog duel. The power and money wielded by "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase has forced me to re-think my initial strategy. With the first card played, my opponent has made this iBattle Royal about more than wrestling prowess and championships, but about bringing more to the match than one's physical attributes.
Stone Cold Steve Austin or the Rock bring strength and popularity, but tend to go it alone. This could become problematic when confronted with the entourage following The Million Dollar Man. Shane McMahon has the ability to round up countless numbers of cronies (many that dress a lot like the DESPERADO himself in sweatervests and cordoroys), but his wrestling style is scrappy at best.
My first round selection is a man who's physique is tantamount and who's power and money beyond compare. I take the head of The Corporation, the man everyone else simply calls Mr, the owner of WWE, Vince McMahon.
We'll switch order each round. So to start the second round, I'll take a man that needs no introduction, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Woooooooo!
Mr. Hart, you are now on the clock.
Stone Cold Steve Austin or the Rock bring strength and popularity, but tend to go it alone. This could become problematic when confronted with the entourage following The Million Dollar Man. Shane McMahon has the ability to round up countless numbers of cronies (many that dress a lot like the DESPERADO himself in sweatervests and cordoroys), but his wrestling style is scrappy at best.
My first round selection is a man who's physique is tantamount and who's power and money beyond compare. I take the head of The Corporation, the man everyone else simply calls Mr, the owner of WWE, Vince McMahon.
We'll switch order each round. So to start the second round, I'll take a man that needs no introduction, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Woooooooo!
Mr. Hart, you are now on the clock.
As it would go, my former roommate, best friend and arch-nemesis, Joint Specialist William P. Hart, Jr., or DESPERADO as he is known to the internet has entered the world of blogging after the modestly successful The Cackalaky and the utter failure, The Cackalaky Virginia Edition. In the very first edition of The Cackalaky Beach, he has thrown down the cyber-gauntlet and challenged me to a blogging duel, so to speak.
The first matter to be debated has been left up to me, and I have put a great deal of thought into it knowing good and well that there are certain subjects that are not wise to bring up when engaged in rhetorical combat with a law student. Especially when one resides in the world of the arts. Politics are off limits, baseball is generally agreeable, and thermo-dynamics would be a comedy. Ruling out those three, the question at hand appears to be obvious: We're having an MTS Royal Rumble and you get to draft 5 professional wrestlers (past or present) to throw into the squared circle against my team. You get the first pick. Who do you take first?
I eagerly await your response (I feel like we are playing a game of chess through the mail).
PS: Hey, Neil! Good to hear from you. Our thoughts were with you when President Reagan passed this summer.
The first matter to be debated has been left up to me, and I have put a great deal of thought into it knowing good and well that there are certain subjects that are not wise to bring up when engaged in rhetorical combat with a law student. Especially when one resides in the world of the arts. Politics are off limits, baseball is generally agreeable, and thermo-dynamics would be a comedy. Ruling out those three, the question at hand appears to be obvious: We're having an MTS Royal Rumble and you get to draft 5 professional wrestlers (past or present) to throw into the squared circle against my team. You get the first pick. Who do you take first?
I eagerly await your response (I feel like we are playing a game of chess through the mail).
PS: Hey, Neil! Good to hear from you. Our thoughts were with you when President Reagan passed this summer.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Following up on the overwhelming popularity of the summer horoscopes and with the current blast of autumn-like air in the Chapel Hill area, I figured it was about time to do a fall edition of Possum Holler Horoscopes as a service to those of you who have no idea what is going to happen over the next few months.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) You will find time between your studies to write a screenplay adaptation of the hit musical, RENT, starring Lee Marvin and Angelina Jolie. Don't be discouraged if Miramax turns you down.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) You will spend all your birthday money at Lowes. Better yet, you will send all your birthday money to Possum, and he will spend it at Lowes. You should also go fishing.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) There is not much room for error. Be as efficient as possible unless you are knitting. Then you can take as long as you want.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) More stuff will happen than not. I can't be any more specific.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) The day will come when the question must be asked, "Who is that naked man sitting on my couch playing acoustic guitar?" If the answer is, Elvis Costello, don't buy it!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Avoid ceiling fans. Trust me.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) The phrase, "Fire at will," will take on special meaning. Particularly if you are bank robber or in charge of copious numbers of inept people.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) Don't forget to pay your taxes.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) A garden trowel can be your best friend. Feel free to bathe more often. Don't be a punk.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Follow your heart on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, follow someone else's on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On the weekends follow a compass.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Quit your job and tell your boss that you are leaving to pursue a career in watching Law & Order.
Leo (July 23-June 22) Partly cloudy with a 50% chance of rain.
I don't know how I know these things. I just do.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) You will find time between your studies to write a screenplay adaptation of the hit musical, RENT, starring Lee Marvin and Angelina Jolie. Don't be discouraged if Miramax turns you down.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) You will spend all your birthday money at Lowes. Better yet, you will send all your birthday money to Possum, and he will spend it at Lowes. You should also go fishing.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) There is not much room for error. Be as efficient as possible unless you are knitting. Then you can take as long as you want.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) More stuff will happen than not. I can't be any more specific.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) The day will come when the question must be asked, "Who is that naked man sitting on my couch playing acoustic guitar?" If the answer is, Elvis Costello, don't buy it!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Avoid ceiling fans. Trust me.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) The phrase, "Fire at will," will take on special meaning. Particularly if you are bank robber or in charge of copious numbers of inept people.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) Don't forget to pay your taxes.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) A garden trowel can be your best friend. Feel free to bathe more often. Don't be a punk.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Follow your heart on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, follow someone else's on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On the weekends follow a compass.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Quit your job and tell your boss that you are leaving to pursue a career in watching Law & Order.
Leo (July 23-June 22) Partly cloudy with a 50% chance of rain.
I don't know how I know these things. I just do.
