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Monday, January 02, 2006
Yesterday I received a phone call from my former roommate, Reserve Joint Specialist William P. Hart, Jr., asking for my address so that he could list me as a reference for his Bar Exam application. Why he would choose to list someone with as much potentially damning dirt is beyond me, but I said why not. I don't know if I will actually be contacted by the Bar Association so I thought I would take this opportunity to write a letter of recommendation for "the Thrill" just to have on hand in the case that it is needed.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have known Mr. Hart for nearly seven years, four of which were spent sharing a 10' x 12' cell. I am extremely familiar with his work and possess insider knowledge of the candidate that could prove invaluable to whatever it is you do at the Bar.
The first thing that should be noted about W.P. is that his best work comes after midnight. On top of never studying for his classes while I was awake, he managed to write and publish a novel without me even noticing he was working on the project. I was completely in the dark until the day he set the box full of books in front of me, and even then it took several explanations before I completely comprehended. Further evidence of this is found in his employment while in college. First was as night watchman for a parking garage where he officiated roller hockey matches. Second was his tour of duty with Student Patrol where he once saved a student's keys from a storm drain and won several games of Madden 2002. Perhaps a position on Night Court would be suited to Mr. Hart's talents.
Aliases:
In any background check it is important that you are aware of the many monikers Mr. Hart has tossed around like Monopoly money over the years. It took over two weeks after first meeting him before I knew what I should call him. First introduced as "Billy," we were also asked to refer to him as Paul, Stephen, and Stoop before finally settling on "Will." In the Virginia Beach dialect his name is pronounced "William." "Stephen" is only used while hustling pool. "Billy" is still used most prominently in the Raleigh/Cary sections of North Carolina and some portions of upstate New York. The use of "Will" is exclusive to the Chapel Hill vicinity of NC. "Stoop" was pretty much only spoken by Greg Snodgrass.
Of course there are many other nicknames that you may encounter during your investigation. "The Thrill" simply because it rhymes with Will. Most people believe that "the Hitman" came from his second favorite pro-wrestler, Brett 'the Hitman' Hart, but truly it was handed out after he was ejected from an intramural football game for pegging an opposing player with a football after the play was blown dead. I am also inclined to believe that his story of being a journalist for the Army is merely a cover for his real position as state-sanctioned assassin. Finally, "Achy Breaky" comes from his love of country line dancing.
As a prophet, Will has maintained an accuracy percentage of 50%. Not that he couldn't be more accurate if he wanted, it is just that he believes that for every 4 prophecies made, it is only necessary to fulfill 2 of them. A true visionary, he has rewritten such historic documents as the Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther's 95 Theses to better suit our times.
In conclusion, who am I to say who can or cannot take a test? I think Mr. Hart would make a wonderful bartender and an even better lawyer, given that I have never witnessed him lose an argument. At least that is what he told me.
XOXO,
Brian J. Sellers
The Theatre Guy
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have known Mr. Hart for nearly seven years, four of which were spent sharing a 10' x 12' cell. I am extremely familiar with his work and possess insider knowledge of the candidate that could prove invaluable to whatever it is you do at the Bar.
The first thing that should be noted about W.P. is that his best work comes after midnight. On top of never studying for his classes while I was awake, he managed to write and publish a novel without me even noticing he was working on the project. I was completely in the dark until the day he set the box full of books in front of me, and even then it took several explanations before I completely comprehended. Further evidence of this is found in his employment while in college. First was as night watchman for a parking garage where he officiated roller hockey matches. Second was his tour of duty with Student Patrol where he once saved a student's keys from a storm drain and won several games of Madden 2002. Perhaps a position on Night Court would be suited to Mr. Hart's talents.
Aliases:
In any background check it is important that you are aware of the many monikers Mr. Hart has tossed around like Monopoly money over the years. It took over two weeks after first meeting him before I knew what I should call him. First introduced as "Billy," we were also asked to refer to him as Paul, Stephen, and Stoop before finally settling on "Will." In the Virginia Beach dialect his name is pronounced "William." "Stephen" is only used while hustling pool. "Billy" is still used most prominently in the Raleigh/Cary sections of North Carolina and some portions of upstate New York. The use of "Will" is exclusive to the Chapel Hill vicinity of NC. "Stoop" was pretty much only spoken by Greg Snodgrass.
Of course there are many other nicknames that you may encounter during your investigation. "The Thrill" simply because it rhymes with Will. Most people believe that "the Hitman" came from his second favorite pro-wrestler, Brett 'the Hitman' Hart, but truly it was handed out after he was ejected from an intramural football game for pegging an opposing player with a football after the play was blown dead. I am also inclined to believe that his story of being a journalist for the Army is merely a cover for his real position as state-sanctioned assassin. Finally, "Achy Breaky" comes from his love of country line dancing.
As a prophet, Will has maintained an accuracy percentage of 50%. Not that he couldn't be more accurate if he wanted, it is just that he believes that for every 4 prophecies made, it is only necessary to fulfill 2 of them. A true visionary, he has rewritten such historic documents as the Declaration of Independence and Martin Luther's 95 Theses to better suit our times.
In conclusion, who am I to say who can or cannot take a test? I think Mr. Hart would make a wonderful bartender and an even better lawyer, given that I have never witnessed him lose an argument. At least that is what he told me.
XOXO,
Brian J. Sellers
The Theatre Guy
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