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That awkward space between reality and reality television.
Friday, October 01, 2004
RAW
Backstage: Brian "Homeboy" Sellers, dressed in a retro Ty Cobb baseball jersey, addresses Andre the Giant and George "the Animal" Steele in his office, which is really just the men's restroom. "Gee, boss, I don't see why this baseball guy gets you so riled up. Shouldn't we focus our energies on some of the actual wrestlers?" says Andre, respectfully.
"Look, you guys let me do the thinking," responds the Possum. "I know what I'm doing here! Pete Rose MUST NOT make it to the Straightjacket Match. This is why I brought the two of you aboard: terminate with extreme prejudice." [Cut to RAW intro montage]
Announcer, JR: "We've got an exciting night of people yelling at each other lined up for tonight interspersed, perhaps, with a few minutes of wrestling. Scheduled on tonight's card will be a tag team title match between 'The Razor's Edge' featuring Razor Ramon and Edge defending their belt against the team of Funaki and Billy Gunn called 'Fun and Gunn.' Also, Tom Sizemore will be here to promote his new movie on ESPN called HUSTLE based on the gambling career of Pete Rose. And in our main event, Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher will face-off with Undertaker and Kevin Nash in a 'warm-up' match issued by owner, Vince McMahon."
Outside the Ramsey Center in Cullowhee, NC a limo pulls into the garage. Out of the back emerges a middle-aged man with a bowl cut hairdo donning a Cincinnati Reds jacket. After only a few steps, George "the Animal" Steele comes flying in from off-screen to clothesline Pete Rose to the ground. "The Animal" proceeds to wale on Rose until he sees his approaching cohort driving a backhoe that appears to be filled with rocks. Steele quickly gets out of the way as Andre dumps the bucketful of stones on top of their victim. After the bucket is empty, and Rose is lying motionless beneath the rubble, the Giant jumps out of the backhoe and the two henchman scurry off the set.
Back inside, Ric Flair and Mankind stand center-ring working the crowd. "Whooooooo! It is great to be back here in Cullo...Cul...Cullowhere?!" The redneck crowd begins to boo. A young man in the front row holding a 'Foley is God' sign throws a paper cup at 'the Nature Boy.' "You better watch what you're doing, hillbilly," taunts Flair, "or I'll take your sister home and make her go 'sue-ey'!"
Returning to the backstage area, the real Pete Rose enters to find the pile of rocks. As he uncovers the rocks to discover a body he yells, "somebody call the ambulance, Tom Sizemore is hurt!" A team of medics rushes in and begins strapping Tom Sizemore to the backboard.
Backstage in his plush office, Vince McMahon is discussing strategy with Brian "Storm" Sellers. "So you're promising me that Pete Rose will not be a distraction come the pay-per-view?" asks McMahon.
"He is being taken care of as we speak," answers the Possum.
"You know, you're alright, kid. I had my doubts about you at first. I was a afraid that a drama geek wouldn't be able to outsmart a law student, but so far you've proven me wrong."
"Well, Mr. McMahon, they don't call me The Possum for nothing."
"Your next task is to make sure that William 'Quit Playing Games with My' Hart's cousin doesn't cause us this match. The next two months of story lines depends on it!"
"Oh, I think that will not be a problem. I've got a 'friend' who will see to that."
"It just better not be Saturn dressed up as a pirate."
[Stacker Two commercial]
"The Million Dollar Machine" intro music hits and Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher make their way to the ring followed by the nWo Wolfpack theme and Kevin Nash. Finally, Kid Rock's "American Bad Ass' plays and the crowd erupts as the Undertaker drives his Harley-Davidson motorcycle to ringside. The bell rings and Nash quickly slingshots Sgt. Slaughter into the turnbuckle and weakens him with a few knee smashes and a boot to the throat.
As Slaughter falls limp in the corner, Nash begins to work the crowd with the Wolfpack hand gesture. Undertaker seems to take issue with this taunting and steps in the ring yelling at Nash to quit wasting time and wrestle. Nash shoves Undertaker, so 'Taker kicks him in the stomach and proceeds to powerbomb him right there on the spot. As Nash lays reeling, Abdullah takes the opportunity to jump in the ring and lay a steel chair upside the Undertaker's head knocking him out cold.
As "The Million Dollar Machine" stands in the ring celebrating such an easy victory, the lights in the arena go out while thunder sounds over the loud speakers and lightning flashes in the rafters. After a few seconds, the lights come back up to find Ted DiBiase and William "Tin Man's" Hart left standing alone, shivering, as Abdullah, Slaughter and Brett Hart lay around them, unconscious.
At the top of the ramp, underneath the Titan Tron stands the Possum with Andre the Giant, George "the Animal" Steele and Cactus Jack. Sellers does the Montgomery Burns finger strum as he looks on deviously at the mayhem in front of him.
Backstage: Brian "Homeboy" Sellers, dressed in a retro Ty Cobb baseball jersey, addresses Andre the Giant and George "the Animal" Steele in his office, which is really just the men's restroom. "Gee, boss, I don't see why this baseball guy gets you so riled up. Shouldn't we focus our energies on some of the actual wrestlers?" says Andre, respectfully.
"Look, you guys let me do the thinking," responds the Possum. "I know what I'm doing here! Pete Rose MUST NOT make it to the Straightjacket Match. This is why I brought the two of you aboard: terminate with extreme prejudice." [Cut to RAW intro montage]
Announcer, JR: "We've got an exciting night of people yelling at each other lined up for tonight interspersed, perhaps, with a few minutes of wrestling. Scheduled on tonight's card will be a tag team title match between 'The Razor's Edge' featuring Razor Ramon and Edge defending their belt against the team of Funaki and Billy Gunn called 'Fun and Gunn.' Also, Tom Sizemore will be here to promote his new movie on ESPN called HUSTLE based on the gambling career of Pete Rose. And in our main event, Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher will face-off with Undertaker and Kevin Nash in a 'warm-up' match issued by owner, Vince McMahon."
Outside the Ramsey Center in Cullowhee, NC a limo pulls into the garage. Out of the back emerges a middle-aged man with a bowl cut hairdo donning a Cincinnati Reds jacket. After only a few steps, George "the Animal" Steele comes flying in from off-screen to clothesline Pete Rose to the ground. "The Animal" proceeds to wale on Rose until he sees his approaching cohort driving a backhoe that appears to be filled with rocks. Steele quickly gets out of the way as Andre dumps the bucketful of stones on top of their victim. After the bucket is empty, and Rose is lying motionless beneath the rubble, the Giant jumps out of the backhoe and the two henchman scurry off the set.
Back inside, Ric Flair and Mankind stand center-ring working the crowd. "Whooooooo! It is great to be back here in Cullo...Cul...Cullowhere?!" The redneck crowd begins to boo. A young man in the front row holding a 'Foley is God' sign throws a paper cup at 'the Nature Boy.' "You better watch what you're doing, hillbilly," taunts Flair, "or I'll take your sister home and make her go 'sue-ey'!"
Returning to the backstage area, the real Pete Rose enters to find the pile of rocks. As he uncovers the rocks to discover a body he yells, "somebody call the ambulance, Tom Sizemore is hurt!" A team of medics rushes in and begins strapping Tom Sizemore to the backboard.
Backstage in his plush office, Vince McMahon is discussing strategy with Brian "Storm" Sellers. "So you're promising me that Pete Rose will not be a distraction come the pay-per-view?" asks McMahon.
"He is being taken care of as we speak," answers the Possum.
"You know, you're alright, kid. I had my doubts about you at first. I was a afraid that a drama geek wouldn't be able to outsmart a law student, but so far you've proven me wrong."
"Well, Mr. McMahon, they don't call me The Possum for nothing."
"Your next task is to make sure that William 'Quit Playing Games with My' Hart's cousin doesn't cause us this match. The next two months of story lines depends on it!"
"Oh, I think that will not be a problem. I've got a 'friend' who will see to that."
"It just better not be Saturn dressed up as a pirate."
[Stacker Two commercial]
"The Million Dollar Machine" intro music hits and Sgt. Slaughter and Abdullah the Butcher make their way to the ring followed by the nWo Wolfpack theme and Kevin Nash. Finally, Kid Rock's "American Bad Ass' plays and the crowd erupts as the Undertaker drives his Harley-Davidson motorcycle to ringside. The bell rings and Nash quickly slingshots Sgt. Slaughter into the turnbuckle and weakens him with a few knee smashes and a boot to the throat.
As Slaughter falls limp in the corner, Nash begins to work the crowd with the Wolfpack hand gesture. Undertaker seems to take issue with this taunting and steps in the ring yelling at Nash to quit wasting time and wrestle. Nash shoves Undertaker, so 'Taker kicks him in the stomach and proceeds to powerbomb him right there on the spot. As Nash lays reeling, Abdullah takes the opportunity to jump in the ring and lay a steel chair upside the Undertaker's head knocking him out cold.
As "The Million Dollar Machine" stands in the ring celebrating such an easy victory, the lights in the arena go out while thunder sounds over the loud speakers and lightning flashes in the rafters. After a few seconds, the lights come back up to find Ted DiBiase and William "Tin Man's" Hart left standing alone, shivering, as Abdullah, Slaughter and Brett Hart lay around them, unconscious.
At the top of the ramp, underneath the Titan Tron stands the Possum with Andre the Giant, George "the Animal" Steele and Cactus Jack. Sellers does the Montgomery Burns finger strum as he looks on deviously at the mayhem in front of him.
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